Dad Reminiscences:
1. College parties - Minnie Meister, a dean or professor, getting drunk on the "root beer" dad gave her and having a grand old time dancing at the Lambda Chi party. Late 1950s.
2. Dad scoring major touchdowns in high school and college. "Johnny the Bullet"
3. "I can still run". It killed me when he stopped saying this. He would always boast of his running abilities. I wanted to run as fast as my dad. I prided myself as being the fastest runner on the block. I disappointed myself when I was no longer the fastest kid around though. I did run a 4'53" mile in high school freshman year, which was pretty fast. My dad was more of a sprinter, I was more of a long distance runner with that incredible burst of speed at the end. Why couldn't I run like that the entire time?

Memories
Reminiscences
Reflections
Hopes
Dreams

But Twitter serves 99%+ of its user base, I'm sure as I've never even logged in to Twitter. I've visited the www.twitter.com website and that's all I've done besides hear Ellen Degeneres and other people talk about it. I know a lot more, even though it's not much, about facebook since my wife has an account. The thought of facebook likes me cringe. People seem to gravitate to the Internet to be heard by all. To have their mode of expression that goes unnoticed. For me, I like the seclusion. The ability to express myself freely knowing that I can be heard, but only if someone really, really wants to hear me. And it really has nothing to do with the listening end as it does the expressing end. I suppose I hope that if by chance someone has found this site. And wants to actually check it for updates. Then that makes me feel sedated. Otherwise, if they don't, I've wired it so it doesn't matter. Maybe it would. But it really doesn't. The fact that I'm getting out whatever I do need to get out is really all that matters. Call it therapy to the ether.

I mean honestly. Do people really think other people care what their Twits are? And I only recently found out they are called Twits. How incredibly juvenile is this thing? I suppose I'm getting old. And bitter. So I'm already retired. And I'm 31. But you know what, whatever. I'm honing in on what's important in my life. And I've discovered that the things that are most important to me barely exist. My children and my love for my children and my relationship with my children. That's what's very important to me. My love for my wife is also important and that currently exists. Aside from that, my love for friends I consider family and loving and good being towards others comes next. Whether or not I exercise these things is another question. And the shortcoming of which is what's described as sin that pulls me away from it. But I recognize this love as what's important in my life. And stillness brings together. Stillness and harmony. Most of this Internet stuff I see as a hypocritical medium. It's a way to be with everyone at every moment when in fact you're with nobody but yourself in each moment you Tweet.

Cheers to Living and Loving Titanic Mistake.

So how do when know when to do what's best? what's right? What's the thing to do...

I don't really know except that it comes down to a "gut instinct". I've been faced with decisions that seemed equally as appealing as others but eventually the ones that have worked out the best for me are the ones where I just had this feeling of "dude, go for it." In most cases, most people thought the decision I was making was solid. In some cases, people thought it wasn't. However, I've found that the best decisions I've made were when other people were most unsure. That means it takes the greatest leap of faith. Perhaps this is just me. Maybe this is why I'm a "good investor". Maybe my gut feeling indicator is just a little sharper than the next guy. When I proposed to my wife, I had a range of mixed reactions. In some cases, I think it exposed those people's insecurities. In other cases, maybe they really thought we were a bad match. But in hindsight those opinions were just plain off. Nothing has brought me as much joy in my life as my marriage. It's something I couldn't even have fathomed six years ago. It isn't even just the marriage to a person. The marriage to a family is more than I could have ever wished for. I love my blood family for being my family. But I've had certain needs that weren't fulfilled there. And in some ways were maybe neglected. I cringe to say this because I don't want any of them to feel inadequate. It isn't a matter of blame or not. It's a matter of "love development". My family simply doesn't have an abundance of true, natural, abundant love. I suppose many or most do not. My married family does. Where they may fall short on financial wealth, they more than overcompensate on love and decency. The wealth in that is so unattainable from a financial aspect that they can never be compared. You either have or you have not. And the discerning eye is able to see the value in this despite financial value. Real value is in love and decency. Not in material and status. And herein lies the message of every prophet of God that I can imagine, in any denomination. Messages of real love and real understanding of people. It's a way of living life on earth. The problem with religion itself is that it regrettably created an achievement framework for people to latch on to. If you do this that or the other thing you will be rewarded post death. You know what? I don't know what death will bring. I have some certain beliefs, but they are largely irrelevant. Hopefully, if i make proper decisions. If I do my best to live my life lovefully and faithfully, then I will mitigate the risk that takes my life earlier than is possible. And if I get there, if I have fortunately lived and loved an abundantly lengthy life, then hopefully I have found a way to enrich my life and others through compassionate co-living and loving with them. If there is gravy at the end of this whole thing, then excellent. I believe there is. Can I prove it? No. Can I be assured of it? No. Can I believe in it? Yeah, I think so. I think there's enough evidence to trust in it. But what's my downside in not? For me, personally, none that I can think of. Because everything that leads me to joy in death is joy in life. And joy in life I can bet on. I can invest in joy on earth.

It may seem hypocritical to hear about a guy who's looking at moving into a 9500 square foot house as relishing immateriality. I don't have an answer of reconciliation for naysayers. In some ways I agree. Perhaps I'm full of shit. But for me, this is a motivation to make sure I share my abundance with as many others as possible. Freely, openly, and lovingly. I don't know what else to say about that.

Joy.

(Stop thinking in round 5 increments. Move on to eighths.)

The tape I watched was from about this date in June 2007. Dad was staying with me in Manhattan and we were at "The Treehouse", but more plainly known as "The Studio". Curt was in attendance too for most of it. That was a funny interesting day. Without giving away too many details, only Alzheimer's could explain it. The Alzheimer Sausage.

Anyway, Hanni told me I am thinking of things nobody else is thinking. I offered to show him some footage of this tape. He expressed tepid interest. I pressed. I asked, what's the most you have time for? And I answered: "Two hours?" Supported by "I have 30 hours of footage....."

He said: "Uh, yes Rich. I'd like to see something. Definitely no longer than two hours."

I believe my power of suggestion overcame him tonight.

So I plan to produce a one hour program. Unless I'm compelled to convince myself to run over the one hour hurdle and reasonably assured by counsel. For Hanni. I think he's in for a trip.

The beauty is, the trip can always change. The trip will absolutely change. Even if it's simply sequenced.

Perhaps I can go back and categorize each distinct moment captured on tape. We can quantify all moments that were captured on tape since 1989 or 1990. Then the Alzheimer Filter plays a specified sequence of these numbered moments. Most of the captured moments will be in earlier years of life. That's because it was all so new and unexperienced. What would it like to experience everything fresh and new again? What if you were enlightened to appreciate those experiences?

Would that be like having Alzheimer's? Is it like being a 5 year old?

Given the acceptance of free expression, he was having an uninhibited blast. The only catch is the person catching you has to journey with you and not just watch, be stuck in the past; stuck at the moment they found out you had Alzheimer's, stuck at the fear and contempt.

But should they accept it. Be aware of their hostility toward it. To believe in the opportunity of every thing. To see this as an opportunity to live and love no matter what the human condition.

So I follow him down Daisy Red Lane.

I'm still digesting

I promise to refrain from the things that endanger my life and consequently your spirits.

I promise to shape up.

I promise to live and love life because that's the way I'll want you to do it.

But I'll always be there and support you in the way that feels right for you.

1) Moderate
2) Mild
4) Severe

We accomplish this task as follows:

1) Severe (Pop Pop)
2) Mild (Me)
4) Moderate (Dad)

Each installation is a compilation and presentation of selected videos, photos, and other necessary media as produced by the "Alzheimer's filter".

I have debated a fourth volume reflecting my beliefs in the heavens and death particularly as it pertains to answering the question: "Why?"

One visual I had recently is:

Looking out as Dad's eyes, seeing the events occurring in front of me, then having the focus shift so that that clear vision becomes impaired similarly to walking back from a hole in a fence, revealing something else entirely.

"In economics and consumer theory, a Giffen good is one which people consume more of as price rises, violating the law of demand. In normal situations, as the price of such a good rises, the substitution effect causes people to purchase less of it and more of substitute goods. In the Giffen good situation, cheaper close substitutes are not available. Because of the lack of substitutes, the income effect dominates, leading people to buy more of the good, even as its price rises."

Today I assume the Pkins have no value based on the zero hit rate or counter-offers for the auctions on:

www.threadingvalue.com/pkinauction

Presumably the retain some intrinsic value as I offered them at prices greater than zero. However, this presumption rests on me making sound, rational intrinsic value judgments.

So either I have a value system unidentifiable to others rectifiable in no current valuation circumstances or my valuation parameters and assumptions are enormously out of market but flexibility is possible for negotiated value.

Because I can not extract financial value out of the Pkins and at best case I would sell them for an upfront payment of maybe $1 million with significant royalties, they are a cost. They take up a few cubic feet in my Manhattan apartment. And in a closet which is the highest cost/sq ft. They cost me something around $1500-$2000 a year of storage cost. The more I create, the more cost they require. The longer I hold on to what is inevitably financial valueless trash, the more cost I bear. But the more I want to hold on to them for the fleating hope that they are not trash.

The hope exists because:
"They are trash. Today.
But tomorrow they need not be trash,
If faith is true."

I'm holding on to Giffen Goods in quantity. Currently there are probably ~700 Pkins. (Un)fortunately they are not expanding very rapidly anymore.

provide why you are intrigued. why you relate. why, why, hwy.

I'll send samples I want to edit of candidates who share purpose.

Etczetera.

3. Paper
a. Roll two
b. Save one
c. Consume the other,
(preferably with purpose, but please only if you feel it!!!)
d. Enjoy
e. Appreciate

4. Record your time w/ Dad.
5. I have to do something
brilliant.

Do I think I'm smart because I enjoy writing in grammatically insulting stuff? I don't know. I don't think so but maybe. Maybe I'm not as smart as I think I am because I don't really think of myself as smart. I think of myself as not the smartest. So I'm constantly trying to convince myself how smart I am. As if there's ever going to be a letter or a number that's going to give me satisfaction.

Growing up doing what you want to do seemed easy enough. There was lots of fun and little worry or responsibility. Or so it seems in hindsight. But what is it? What's the deal?

There was a blur of my life. I suppose nearly a third of it. Where I covered myself up, drowned myself in pity and depression and despairing frustration over what seemed like a glowing emptiness of not knowing what to do with myself. Or trying to prove to a bunch of god knows whos how smart and successful and rich I could be/am. But I never stopped to think, hmm, here are my interests. Here are my talents, skillsets, and natural dispositions. Here's how I can put it together. Instead of picking stocks, maybe I'd want to pick talent. Or manage a group of artists. Or so on.

This blur was confounded by the loss of my father. I barely caught it in time to weave some fantastic memories and I'm glad I did. Pretty much everything I've learned over the past 2-3 years has been tremendous and life-changing.

A couple years ago I wrote a poem that was inspired largely by that Psalm "As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death". The poem barely if at all reflects the hope of "I fear no evil." That was where I was along the bottom. That was probably on the edge of descent. I'm not sure where exactly the bottom was but there were a few that may have been. In fact the bottom, lasted quite a while and there were a few moments that may have been "the very bottom".

But my days with Dad really did something for me. Going into the "Project", I assumed I was doing this great thing for humanity, potentially. That I would make this "Project" into an enormous "success". There were many and many potential benefits from this Dad Project. But what I never expected was the introduction to love, purpose, meaning, presence, and appreciation. From a man who is "afflicted with Alzheimer's." So tune into whatever site becomes its home:

livininlovin.tv
livingandloving.tv
livingandlovingalzheimers.tv
thebrandnew.tv

I intended to write about stockworld stuff. But there continues to be a block there for writing. I continue to brainstorm thoughts and ideas and good ones too, I think. But I won't allow myself yet the luxury for doubt without reason. <-- who knows.