Bountiful Spew
I'm talking to me. Why should I worry about what I say to myself? Sure there's a mix of feelings I feel about obsession. But I believe I can work with that. Maybe "finding myself" has been such the experience it has because I was looking so hard the looking was the focus blocking out the distraction.
Do I think I'm smart because I enjoy writing in grammatically insulting stuff? I don't know. I don't think so but maybe. Maybe I'm not as smart as I think I am because I don't really think of myself as smart. I think of myself as not the smartest. So I'm constantly trying to convince myself how smart I am. As if there's ever going to be a letter or a number that's going to give me satisfaction.
Growing up doing what you want to do seemed easy enough. There was lots of fun and little worry or responsibility. Or so it seems in hindsight. But what is it? What's the deal?
There was a blur of my life. I suppose nearly a third of it. Where I covered myself up, drowned myself in pity and depression and despairing frustration over what seemed like a glowing emptiness of not knowing what to do with myself. Or trying to prove to a bunch of god knows whos how smart and successful and rich I could be/am. But I never stopped to think, hmm, here are my interests. Here are my talents, skillsets, and natural dispositions. Here's how I can put it together. Instead of picking stocks, maybe I'd want to pick talent. Or manage a group of artists. Or so on.
This blur was confounded by the loss of my father. I barely caught it in time to weave some fantastic memories and I'm glad I did. Pretty much everything I've learned over the past 2-3 years has been tremendous and life-changing.
A couple years ago I wrote a poem that was inspired largely by that Psalm "As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death". The poem barely if at all reflects the hope of "I fear no evil." That was where I was along the bottom. That was probably on the edge of descent. I'm not sure where exactly the bottom was but there were a few that may have been. In fact the bottom, lasted quite a while and there were a few moments that may have been "the very bottom".
But my days with Dad really did something for me. Going into the "Project", I assumed I was doing this great thing for humanity, potentially. That I would make this "Project" into an enormous "success". There were many and many potential benefits from this Dad Project. But what I never expected was the introduction to love, purpose, meaning, presence, and appreciation. From a man who is "afflicted with Alzheimer's." So tune into whatever site becomes its home:
livininlovin.tv
livingandloving.tv
livingandlovingalzheimers.tv
thebrandnew.tv
I intended to write about stockworld stuff. But there continues to be a block there for writing. I continue to brainstorm thoughts and ideas and good ones too, I think. But I won't allow myself yet the luxury for doubt without reason. <-- who knows.