The Peakin

I struggled today. I woke up an hour early this morning. I cuddled close with Tiff. The comfort makes me ask the question: Why? Why do I get out of bed in the morning when all I want is to cuddle next to her for hours and hours. Last week I was away from home. Far from home. Being back, all I wanted was to share every moment with her before I had to go back to the office today. And then today came. Between Friday and Sunday evening, I drank a lot, I smoked some, I ate terribly and as a consequence I felt miserable all day. And overwhelmed by my to do list for work, numb to my personal to do list. And the stock market continues to melt. Our fund is now down on the year slightly, which relative to the market is pretty good. But we are an absolute return strategy. We are supposed to generate returns in any market condition.

I digress. I have a growing desire to modify the circumstances which lead me to impulsive behavior. I am fed up with my overindulgence generally speaking. The problem is that the path of my overindulgence puts me at risk for a negative outcome that will minimize the potential of my moments with Tiff. Seeing that there are no greater moments for me than those with her, as they are filled with true exponential love, it is not a question of should but discipline.

More and more, I begin to understand my world view as being that most if not all things can be boiled down to two basic tenets: Love and Fear. I recognize each of my behaviors that I feel separate or have the potential to separate myself from Tiff are based in an operation of fear.

So with love in my being, I pray that I have the strength to be true to my self-vision and trust in the hope that it embodies.