The Peakin

Inspired by my friend Curtis' blog format titled "100 Days of Peace", moved by knowing my personal, "sinful" nature, understanding what that means for me, desiring to fill my life with love, and recognizing my need to practice my loving ways and respecting and upholding the integrity of a commitment, I am embarking on 100 Days of Love - an exploration of my beliefs and spirituality.

A little over a year ago, my friend Curtis asked me what questions I had in life that I wanted to answer. The questions I internally asked myself were: "Do I believe in the existence of God?" and "If so, is it because I'm fearful of the consequences of not believing if He does exist?" and "How will I ever 'know'?"

I tried to honestly answer these questions, so I started with the first one. My conclusion came rather quickly and I was surprised by my answer, which was No. I did not believe in the existence of God. This surprised me because I had grown up attending Sunday School for 18 years and was actively involved in my church. But the truth was, no, I didn't. Because there was an element of doubt. Yet I realized that the absence of belief did not mean I was "right" or "wrong". And I suppose it's an answer we cannot have in our life as we know it. But the existence of the question itself made me realize that I wanted to believe in the existence of God. The concept of it makes sense to me. And drawing on my occupational experience of researching an investment hypothesis and then investing based on that conclusion, I decided that I would explore to the best of my ability to once and for all answer this looming question. I wasn't sure how I was going to do it, but I was determined to come to peace with an answer.

The answer came through my relationships with Tiffany and my dad. For 28 years, I had no relationship with my dad. The man never asked me about my school work. My classes. My interests. He never helped mold me into the man I ought to be. He rarely if ever congratulated me for any of my achievements. Except he did congratulate me when I made the varsity soccer team as a freshman in high school. And that's when he accepted me as a soccer player. He played football and I don't think he ever respected soccer as a sport or cared in me playing it. Until I made the varsity team. And the thing is, I never even wanted to play soccer. I did enjoy it after the fact. But I wanted to play football. My mom would not allow it. She said it was because it was too dangerous. I don't know, maybe she was worried that it would please my dad too much and lead to me having a relationship with him. It's hard to speculate and there are many conspiracy theories that could make sense. The facts are I wanted to play football like my dad. My parents did not love each other. I did not have a relationship with my dad. There was absolutely no love in my life. None. Zilch. I did not know what love looked like. Felt like. All I knew was fear. Fear that if I didn't do this or that, then somebody wouldn't love me anymore. Somebody would be upset with me. If I didn't get good grades, then I wouldn't get into a good college. And if I didn't get into a good college, I wouldn't make enough money. And if I didn't make enough money, then I would be unhappy or unsuccessful. Anything short of this path would leave everyone in my family sharply disappointed in me, including my grandparents.

I could not let this happen.

So I executed. And here I am. I've got that million dollar job. And I did it remarkably fast since I'm 29. And maybe even more remarkable is that I am not that interested in pretty much most of what I do. I haven't truly been interested in anything I've ever done. Because none of the things that I were interested in were supported. And it wasn't so much that it wasn't supported as it wasn't cultivated. It's sort of like a flower. There is no flower without a seed. There were no seeds for sparking my interests. There was just programming.

But Tiffany came along. Tiffany is the most amazing woman in the world. I love her and often I don't feel like I deserve her. Tiffany has shown me what love is. My 29th birthday was the best in my life. I will never forget the feelings. The details aren't all that entertaining, but the important thing was I never felt more loved in my life than that day. She revealed this abundant love to me and I just couldn't get enough of it, which made me cry. This was what I wanted my entire life. A relationship where I felt completely comfortable and accepted regardless of anything. She loved me completely and uniformly and it did not matter for a second what achievement I was after at work or otherwise. That was the moment I not only understood the concept of love but I actually felt it and therefore knew it.

This was occurring as I was spending more time with my dad. After having recognized that I would regret not having any relationship with him after he passed and being motivated by his Alzheimer's, I forged forward. I forgave him for not loving me. It was easy because I know he didn't mean not to love me. He didn't hate me. He just never had time for me or interest in it. But I know he wanted it. He just wasn't able to do it. For whatever reason. Whatever those reasons, they were in the past. He wanted me now. He loved me now so it was now in my court to love him back. So I did. And it was wonderful. 2007 was beautiful for me from this perspective. I now love my dad. And I'm convinced he loves me too. Despite having a memory impairment. We have transcended his disease to a point where we love each other. And I'm so happy and fortunate to have had this experience.

The awareness that I forgave my father is absolutely critical for many reasons. First, I realized that my family had always always held grudges against each other. They disappointed each other and held grudges about it. That makes loving each other in the moment impossible. And without love, there is no joy. So to hold grudges meant that I would be missing the opportunity to love and therefore to experience joy. And Joy is what I had thought of as "being happy." So the presence of Love leads to the experience of Joy. And then I started thinking, you know what..... all this "stuff" I'm experiencing feels amazingly similar to some of those concepts I learned in Sunday School. Love, Hope, Joy. Repenting sins (the lack of Love toward God, which I also came to understand as lack of Love toward myself since God is in all of us according to what I was taught and starting to experience) and forgiving sins of others toward me. And then I realized..... it's easy to speak "I forgive you." And the pitfall is that I realized it was so easy to say it that without the action of love, the words of forgiveness are actually misleading because it gives a false comfort of having forgiven. But there is no love in words. There is love in being. And how you be in the moment. So I loved my dad. I did my best to love him in the moment. To cater to his needs. To be flexible toward his disease. To find how to love who he is now. To share love with him and to experience joy with him. And we did it. It was just so amazing. And I have the opportunity to continue sharing love with him and experiencing joy with him for as long as he is still alive. And then after I realized that, I thought, well that means I have this same opportunity with Tiffany. And I also have this opportunity with any and every one. Including my unborn child(ren). And the greatest responsibility I have in life is not to provide financially for my child(ren). Not to seed them with material things. But to Love them. To experience Joy with them. To share Hope that we can Love each other and have Joyful lives together as long as possible. Which means I need to start taking care of myself. To live more healthfully. But fundamentally, I need to be an example of Love to my children and to make sure that there exists the relationship I have with my dad 29 years later than I could have. But to be thankful that I do have it because it has been a point of change in my life. The turn in my life. And the more I get to know what the turn is, the more I realize it is a calling of God. God is Love. Somebody, John in the Bible, figured this out well before my time. And millions of people have believed in this concept. And it's quite simple. God is Love. Do I believe in Love? Yes. Then I believe in God. There is absolutely no question or debate. However I want to practice this Love, to ensure that it's in my life daily, that's my choice. But to not practice Love means there is no Joy. The absence of Love is Hell. And Hell may or may not be a resting place for the soul that may or may not exist in me, but Hell is definitely the moments of my life where I have abandoned Love. If even for a minute. One minute of abandoned Love can have tragic consequences for future moments. And minutes add up quick.

So I turn to God. I turn to Love. I turn to sharing Love and welcoming Joy with the people in my life. And I Love Tiffany so fully. I want to start our family together. And I want to recommit myself to her every day. Every single day of my life, I want to recommit myself to her and our Love. Because it is the basis, the foundation for the exponential potential of Love and Joy in my life as we age together. And this is my Hope. That we will Love each other fully for as long as is possible. And that we will create together. Create children who we can Love together every moment of every day forever. And participate in expansive, unlimited Love.

So for 100 days, I will journey to have a relationship with Jesus Christ. Because it's the religion that I know. And it's the one that fits best with Tiffany. And whatever expands our Love together is what is right. And from what I understand and know about His mission, it is something I respect and Love and am inspired by. And at the end of the day, it's that inspiration that counts because it's what effects a life of love. A life committed to God. God is Love.