The Peakin

What is a miracle?

Would you notice a miracle if it happened in your presence? Is the birth of a baby a miracle? Is the awe of loss of life in some ways miraculous? The MW.com site verse too allows for an "unusual" event to count as a miracle. So maybe it's just something out of the ordinary. In any case.... maybe we've seen all the miracles. We have the Internet. We have modern this modern that. We have TV. We have all these channels of information dissemination such that nothing, rarely anything, is out of the ordinary. It's all been there done that. Shock value rings.

In any case, I've lost my muster for the post. But. The question is still valid. The reason I bring it up is that I have been blessed by a miracle. And I want to acknowledge it. That is the relationship developed and fostered with my dad in his severely progressed state of Alzheimer's disease. To me, that's miraculous.

Don't be blind to the miracles in your life. Appreciate them. Love them. Thank for them.

Posted by F.Newara at 01:13 AM | Permalink

I lean on the shoulders of my brethren.
I hope for the forgiveness of my transgressions.
I trust in the love I feel.

I believe in God.
I believe in God because I do not have the answers.
I am not perfect. There are no solutions.
I feel as though I have few to turn to, who will grant me answers to life's perplexities.
Until I love and accept the greatest perplexity of all. Which is:

Life is simple. Life is love. Love is God.
Love the moment. Appreciate. Celebrate. Go beyond "Let there be" and "create".
Let there be joy suggests someone is creating joy and therefore you are receiving it. But the greatest appreciation of life is to give joy to someone else because it's contagious. To give joy is to create joy. And to create joy allows the experience of joy.

Posted by F.Newara at 12:35 AM | Permalink

Today there are two. And they are both painting ideas.

1. Dad Painting - Dad sitting on a couch in the nursing home. Fat gut rolling forward. NY Giants sweatshirt, very old maybe 1991 - very red, tucked into his pants. With the belt buckle in the back. And his hair is disshevled. And his face is somewhat unshaved. And he has a disgruntled look upon his face.

2. The #1 painting then makes me consider a series of "Nursing home" subject/content paintings.

Idea #2:

"Somersaults in the Sand" - a painting series of a dude with his head stuck perpetually in a downward thrust into sand-mud. Each one is a new event but the motion of the painting is over and over again in similar positions so that there is a level of continuity and unbreakability. Over and over again, head stuk in the mud.

There was an earlier idea from September, inspired by "Moral Law":

Sitting on a ledge between death/injury & safety/life, flicking a cigarette to the side of death

Posted by F.Newara at 10:26 PM | Permalink

Today's noble idea is an understanding that someone else's idea, while well intended, is actually destructive.

When my family was touring nursing homes for my dad, we visited one that prided itself on its design and "memory stimulation" devices. The floorplan was designed with wings leading to a center hall so that if a resident walked the wings, they'd eventually wind up in the center hall. All along the wings there were memory devices on the wall. In one location there was a wedding dress and pictures. In another location there were plumbing fixtures and workbench tools. The idea is that residents may pique fond memories of their wedding day or their occupational vocation and experience some kind of joy from coming across such a wonderful memory.

Something about this place didn't sit well with me. As we walked around, I noticed that all the residents were huddled in the center room around tables. Nobody was getting intimate with the stuff on the walls. Nobody seemed to be reminiscing. Finally it occurred to me. This design is fundamentally flawed: it approaches Alzheimer's Disease as a problem. In this case, it's a memory problem. And it also seems to place more value on the events of memories or memories themselves than it does on presence and realization of joyful moments in the present, an everlasting present.

The residents were not approaching these things because they have not "lost" an understanding of what something is intrinsically. The best way I can describe it is the philosophical question of "Why is red red?" It just is red. Why isn't it blue? It could be blue if you want to call it blue, but it's red. And despite what we call it, the color is red to all of us. Well, it's similar with Alzheimer's... Regardless of whether they know that a wedding dress is a "wedding dress", they know it's a wedding dress. And wedding dresses do not belong on walls. Nor do plumbing fixtures. Especially non-working plumbing fixtures, that's just flat-out problematic. Why would this place have a faucet that doesn't work? Don't we need to call the plumber? Why is all this stuff on the wall? It's not supposed to be there.

Seems like a big "Duh" to me the more I've thought about it.

So rather than simply cast rocks at problems without coming up with a solution.... I think it would be interesting to subliminally speak to the residents. I don't know how to do it but I know our advertising industry has perfected it, so why can't we apply it to a nursing home? There have got to be ways of subliminally speaking to the residents with positive reinforcement. Perhaps subliminal images of their family members sitting with them. Some kind of virtual reality environment where they are constantly comforted by the things that comfort them but subliminally enough that they are not consciously aware of the presence to be saddened by knowing its absence.

Posted by F.Newara at 09:11 PM | Permalink

I believe that I honestly and wholeheartedly care about people. I believe that I have empathic tendencies, which I unconsciously turn on and off. I find the greatest joy in opening my empathy to people. It requires putting their feelings and emotions first, ahead of my own, so that I am able to feel what they're feeling. It seems impossible to feel what someone else is feeling, but I find this not to be the case. I'm not sure exactly how many feelings/emotions "there are", but I do believe that at some point in our lives, we experience all of them. How would I feel given his/her situation?

I find there are times I try to avoid people, which seems counterintuitive to me given that I believe I care about them. I believe this to be a fear of "having too many real relationships" or something along those lines. I ought to embrace them at every moment.

It seems there is a pattern in my family of doing things for others. It also seems to be somewhat conditional. I think this stems from an intellectual understanding of what caring for people means rather than an emotional understanding of what care really is. Care is listening. Care is gaining trust so that you can help eradicate someone's fear, or reshape it into an opportunity. After all "Life is full of opportunity."

Posted by F.Newara at 08:59 PM | Permalink

I struggled today. I woke up an hour early this morning. I cuddled close with Tiff. The comfort makes me ask the question: Why? Why do I get out of bed in the morning when all I want is to cuddle next to her for hours and hours. Last week I was away from home. Far from home. Being back, all I wanted was to share every moment with her before I had to go back to the office today. And then today came. Between Friday and Sunday evening, I drank a lot, I smoked some, I ate terribly and as a consequence I felt miserable all day. And overwhelmed by my to do list for work, numb to my personal to do list. And the stock market continues to melt. Our fund is now down on the year slightly, which relative to the market is pretty good. But we are an absolute return strategy. We are supposed to generate returns in any market condition.

I digress. I have a growing desire to modify the circumstances which lead me to impulsive behavior. I am fed up with my overindulgence generally speaking. The problem is that the path of my overindulgence puts me at risk for a negative outcome that will minimize the potential of my moments with Tiff. Seeing that there are no greater moments for me than those with her, as they are filled with true exponential love, it is not a question of should but discipline.

More and more, I begin to understand my world view as being that most if not all things can be boiled down to two basic tenets: Love and Fear. I recognize each of my behaviors that I feel separate or have the potential to separate myself from Tiff are based in an operation of fear.

So with love in my being, I pray that I have the strength to be true to my self-vision and trust in the hope that it embodies.

Posted by F.Newara at 08:39 PM | Permalink

Buyout a major market share brand. Improve the brand. Drastically take more market share at higher gross margins than the company you're displacing, but keep it transparent on your P&L by suggesting the flat SG&A is necessary because of the super high end benefits you are implementing. So that when the time comes to start blowing out numbers on operating margin, the smart move is to sell there when the market has fully fully bought into the growth strategy at the height of its front-end loadedd accelerated... then do something else.

Posted by F.Newara at 11:42 PM | Permalink

The brands:
- "Heaven", most likely the process of going to our home.
- "The Ark" or ""Noah's Lakehouse"

Bringing joy to their lives by cultivating pure Love. A real life Love making factory, but wholesome to the reverend Holiness that guides us here. Lest we see our hopes and children disappear among the wretched waves of an enormous flood. This is safe. This is fun. This is home. This is good. This is fun....

Noah's Ark (for Alzheimer's ___________)

Posted by F.Newara at 11:35 PM | Permalink

When thinking about the $1 billion company we are going to create, I notice that I am the vision to see it and she's the support of the growing foundation.

Posted by F.Newara at 11:21 PM | Permalink

For the Hubby and Wifey Nursing home idea:
- Celebrate each new member's arrival with a wedding ceremony and reception.
- Capitalize the opportunity to found a $1 billion market cap company. (Nursing home business)

"DO NOT LOOK AT THE PROBLEM AS A DISEASE OR AN ILLNESS. REALIZE THE OPPORTUNITY"
- Living and Loving Alzheimer's

Yes I'm debating "problem" too. That's the binary choice of opportunity.

Posted by F.Newara at 06:18 PM | Permalink

I believe people are trained emotionally in a way similar that dogs are trained. If a dog sits, he gets a treat. But at first he just wants the treat. He'll do anything. And he's restless. Finally, he realizes he just needs to sit and he gets the treat. He's given a gift. He eats it. And enjoys it. The action of joy.

Posted by F.Newara at 12:54 AM | Permalink

What if we competed not to beat the opponent but to make him stronger?

Posted by F.Newara at 12:27 AM | Permalink

I intend to keep a list starting here of the "noble ideas" I have. The ones that are worth something sufficiently above $0. (If I can ascribe value and more importantly market value, shit, that's the fucking key I'm missing. I'm so focused on intrinsic value at work and now duh.... The Stock Market is concerned about the market value. So in essence, wow shit, all this shit is starting to make sense to me. See, now I think that I've learned how to nail the alpha, the proper thing to work on is how to hit the beta. The market beta. What if we can hit the beta by nailing all the alphas... because if you can figure out the alphas for each alphatic space, then the totalirian of that insight would be an edge on the beta. Beta is the biggest risk people take as given. So fuck that, our precision has to be much much less in describing its process.

Now I've forgotten the intended first entry..... What was it.......

This isn't it, but this is one from a little earlier. A hair & beauty salon that tracks customer preferences and is able to teak this and that. Also perhaps a tie-in to "M.I.L.F" - the brand that brings every thing sophisticated and sexy to the hot mommas who only had to finally have a kid to let go of her youthful bashfulness in exchange for her "mother-fuck-her-ness".

(It's about creating the image. Not fitting into one.)

Improving the image has profitable returns for the #2 or #3 guy to the market, probably in excess of player #1 because they had more time to focus on the market opportunity rather than the market existence. Player #1 needs to nail the product/probably more sustainably the demographic. Player #2 needs to nail the pricing. Player #3 needs to nail the ingenius. So coming in 3rd in life is actually probably the most economically rewarding. Or you come in 4th and you're much less popular, somewhat as rich, but totally unknown and fully capable. Just a little too spiritual or lazy to take a race to a duel. And just play because you love winning the race. You don't need to strike someone out.

The Hubby and Wifey TV series - includes the Dad story

Alzheimer's Moments - some kind of somethign.

Hubby and Wifey Variety Show for Potomoc Homes <--- I must say, this is a very specific and actionable one for a larger concept. This one feels very empowering. Like I know that I'm too scared to do it. Which makes me realize that without tackling this very important first step that the entire dream is just a fantasy with no chance of actually happening. And if it did and I wasn't directly involved, I'd be disappointed, reluctantly.

Posted by F.Newara at 11:59 PM | Permalink

I've been gone for a week. I took a 15 hour trip home. And I opened the door to find my beautiful wifey in lingerie, new hairstyle, and having freshly prepared dinner. That was the Love in Day 2.

Posted by F.Newara at 10:24 PM | Permalink

I just realized something.... The name "Tiffany" means the revelation of God. The manifestation of God. God is Love. Tiffany is the revelation and manifestation of Love. Amazing.

Since I'm on the topic of names. Interesting also is that "John", which is my father's name and my first name, means "God is gracious/merciful."

It's just sort of interesting how these two people with these relevant names to what I'm discussing are the two people that helped me know what Love is and to recognize that Love is God.

Posted by F.Newara at 11:19 AM | Permalink

Inspired by my friend Curtis' blog format titled "100 Days of Peace", moved by knowing my personal, "sinful" nature, understanding what that means for me, desiring to fill my life with love, and recognizing my need to practice my loving ways and respecting and upholding the integrity of a commitment, I am embarking on 100 Days of Love - an exploration of my beliefs and spirituality.

A little over a year ago, my friend Curtis asked me what questions I had in life that I wanted to answer. The questions I internally asked myself were: "Do I believe in the existence of God?" and "If so, is it because I'm fearful of the consequences of not believing if He does exist?" and "How will I ever 'know'?"

I tried to honestly answer these questions, so I started with the first one. My conclusion came rather quickly and I was surprised by my answer, which was No. I did not believe in the existence of God. This surprised me because I had grown up attending Sunday School for 18 years and was actively involved in my church. But the truth was, no, I didn't. Because there was an element of doubt. Yet I realized that the absence of belief did not mean I was "right" or "wrong". And I suppose it's an answer we cannot have in our life as we know it. But the existence of the question itself made me realize that I wanted to believe in the existence of God. The concept of it makes sense to me. And drawing on my occupational experience of researching an investment hypothesis and then investing based on that conclusion, I decided that I would explore to the best of my ability to once and for all answer this looming question. I wasn't sure how I was going to do it, but I was determined to come to peace with an answer.

The answer came through my relationships with Tiffany and my dad. For 28 years, I had no relationship with my dad. The man never asked me about my school work. My classes. My interests. He never helped mold me into the man I ought to be. He rarely if ever congratulated me for any of my achievements. Except he did congratulate me when I made the varsity soccer team as a freshman in high school. And that's when he accepted me as a soccer player. He played football and I don't think he ever respected soccer as a sport or cared in me playing it. Until I made the varsity team. And the thing is, I never even wanted to play soccer. I did enjoy it after the fact. But I wanted to play football. My mom would not allow it. She said it was because it was too dangerous. I don't know, maybe she was worried that it would please my dad too much and lead to me having a relationship with him. It's hard to speculate and there are many conspiracy theories that could make sense. The facts are I wanted to play football like my dad. My parents did not love each other. I did not have a relationship with my dad. There was absolutely no love in my life. None. Zilch. I did not know what love looked like. Felt like. All I knew was fear. Fear that if I didn't do this or that, then somebody wouldn't love me anymore. Somebody would be upset with me. If I didn't get good grades, then I wouldn't get into a good college. And if I didn't get into a good college, I wouldn't make enough money. And if I didn't make enough money, then I would be unhappy or unsuccessful. Anything short of this path would leave everyone in my family sharply disappointed in me, including my grandparents.

I could not let this happen.

So I executed. And here I am. I've got that million dollar job. And I did it remarkably fast since I'm 29. And maybe even more remarkable is that I am not that interested in pretty much most of what I do. I haven't truly been interested in anything I've ever done. Because none of the things that I were interested in were supported. And it wasn't so much that it wasn't supported as it wasn't cultivated. It's sort of like a flower. There is no flower without a seed. There were no seeds for sparking my interests. There was just programming.

But Tiffany came along. Tiffany is the most amazing woman in the world. I love her and often I don't feel like I deserve her. Tiffany has shown me what love is. My 29th birthday was the best in my life. I will never forget the feelings. The details aren't all that entertaining, but the important thing was I never felt more loved in my life than that day. She revealed this abundant love to me and I just couldn't get enough of it, which made me cry. This was what I wanted my entire life. A relationship where I felt completely comfortable and accepted regardless of anything. She loved me completely and uniformly and it did not matter for a second what achievement I was after at work or otherwise. That was the moment I not only understood the concept of love but I actually felt it and therefore knew it.

This was occurring as I was spending more time with my dad. After having recognized that I would regret not having any relationship with him after he passed and being motivated by his Alzheimer's, I forged forward. I forgave him for not loving me. It was easy because I know he didn't mean not to love me. He didn't hate me. He just never had time for me or interest in it. But I know he wanted it. He just wasn't able to do it. For whatever reason. Whatever those reasons, they were in the past. He wanted me now. He loved me now so it was now in my court to love him back. So I did. And it was wonderful. 2007 was beautiful for me from this perspective. I now love my dad. And I'm convinced he loves me too. Despite having a memory impairment. We have transcended his disease to a point where we love each other. And I'm so happy and fortunate to have had this experience.

The awareness that I forgave my father is absolutely critical for many reasons. First, I realized that my family had always always held grudges against each other. They disappointed each other and held grudges about it. That makes loving each other in the moment impossible. And without love, there is no joy. So to hold grudges meant that I would be missing the opportunity to love and therefore to experience joy. And Joy is what I had thought of as "being happy." So the presence of Love leads to the experience of Joy. And then I started thinking, you know what..... all this "stuff" I'm experiencing feels amazingly similar to some of those concepts I learned in Sunday School. Love, Hope, Joy. Repenting sins (the lack of Love toward God, which I also came to understand as lack of Love toward myself since God is in all of us according to what I was taught and starting to experience) and forgiving sins of others toward me. And then I realized..... it's easy to speak "I forgive you." And the pitfall is that I realized it was so easy to say it that without the action of love, the words of forgiveness are actually misleading because it gives a false comfort of having forgiven. But there is no love in words. There is love in being. And how you be in the moment. So I loved my dad. I did my best to love him in the moment. To cater to his needs. To be flexible toward his disease. To find how to love who he is now. To share love with him and to experience joy with him. And we did it. It was just so amazing. And I have the opportunity to continue sharing love with him and experiencing joy with him for as long as he is still alive. And then after I realized that, I thought, well that means I have this same opportunity with Tiffany. And I also have this opportunity with any and every one. Including my unborn child(ren). And the greatest responsibility I have in life is not to provide financially for my child(ren). Not to seed them with material things. But to Love them. To experience Joy with them. To share Hope that we can Love each other and have Joyful lives together as long as possible. Which means I need to start taking care of myself. To live more healthfully. But fundamentally, I need to be an example of Love to my children and to make sure that there exists the relationship I have with my dad 29 years later than I could have. But to be thankful that I do have it because it has been a point of change in my life. The turn in my life. And the more I get to know what the turn is, the more I realize it is a calling of God. God is Love. Somebody, John in the Bible, figured this out well before my time. And millions of people have believed in this concept. And it's quite simple. God is Love. Do I believe in Love? Yes. Then I believe in God. There is absolutely no question or debate. However I want to practice this Love, to ensure that it's in my life daily, that's my choice. But to not practice Love means there is no Joy. The absence of Love is Hell. And Hell may or may not be a resting place for the soul that may or may not exist in me, but Hell is definitely the moments of my life where I have abandoned Love. If even for a minute. One minute of abandoned Love can have tragic consequences for future moments. And minutes add up quick.

So I turn to God. I turn to Love. I turn to sharing Love and welcoming Joy with the people in my life. And I Love Tiffany so fully. I want to start our family together. And I want to recommit myself to her every day. Every single day of my life, I want to recommit myself to her and our Love. Because it is the basis, the foundation for the exponential potential of Love and Joy in my life as we age together. And this is my Hope. That we will Love each other fully for as long as is possible. And that we will create together. Create children who we can Love together every moment of every day forever. And participate in expansive, unlimited Love.

So for 100 days, I will journey to have a relationship with Jesus Christ. Because it's the religion that I know. And it's the one that fits best with Tiffany. And whatever expands our Love together is what is right. And from what I understand and know about His mission, it is something I respect and Love and am inspired by. And at the end of the day, it's that inspiration that counts because it's what effects a life of love. A life committed to God. God is Love.

Posted by F.Newara at 09:45 AM | Permalink

The pitfall of education is that it removes the innovative curiosity that sparks that which is to be disseminated through "education." The more we "learn" the less there is to discover. And the more that those discoveries are disseminated by trust the more uniform the understanding of them is so that the originality and uniqueness in explaining those discoveries fade. This means expression wanes. When expression wanes, universality moves from relevant to irrelevant and forgotten.

From my experience, personal discovery of any "truth" is tantamount to the experience itself. It moves beyond an understanding to a knowing. And knowing is holier than understanding. But when the pursuit of knowing extends beyond experiencing in an unbalanced way, the pursuit is detrimental to appreciation, and there is no greater state of being than appreciation.

Posted by F.Newara at 03:36 AM | Permalink