First of all, he was in the A wing. The A wing reminds me of Mrs. Borg's class. Mrs. Borg was my first grade teacher. I excelled early on in school. My grades were great and I was doing well, but I was a big distraction for others' in the class. So I was eventually moved to the back of the room, in the far corner, looking out over the grassed back yard of Pine Tree Prison (aka Pine Tree Elementary).

I had a toy named "Gizmo" after a popular movie of the day, "Gremlins". My Gizmo was in good condition, but one of my friend's (Ryan) wasn't as much. He was torn, beat up, looked like he had been chewed. (Ryan used to break all of his toys.)

My chewed G.I. Joe guy in my hand. Chewed up. And wet.
Wet from urine, after Pop-Pop chewed and pissed on my G.I. figurines, or dolls as my dad called them.
Around the same time I saw him try to get to Greece from behind our secretary desk. Among other stuff.

I guess Dad is pretty far along. Sadly. I wonder what impression he'd be leaving on me now if I were his grandson, and not Pop-Pop's. And then. To what degree are we passed on to the next. It flows more readily than you might think. It's not all genetics but programmed behavior.

He babbled quite a bit. This included lots of stuttering type syllables except I think the stuttering was intentional, sort of like he was keeping a beat. I wondered if the syllables he uttered were expressions of some other mental image. And maybe the brain sees this stuff in other dimensions, just like the universe. What if the brain were composed substantially of "other matter" or something analogous to the composition of the universe, which our understanding of which changed drastically last century.

Why then have we not considered that like the universe and the atom before it, the brain too may be based on stuff mostly unknown to us.

The babble I enjoyed most was: "Bda-bda-bda-bda-bda-bda You're really smart."

My father's Rolex was my father's Rolex. I wasn't ready to accept it. He wasn't even ready to part with it. See, you have to understand. This watch represents something much larger than a timepiece. Something much larger than an expensive watch. This watch was my Dad's recognition for himself that he had reached a certain level of success. He had climbed the ladder of American Dreams and bought a coveted Swiss timepiece.

I think I was around 8 when he bought this watch. Somewhere around third grade. He chose the stereotypical executive's Rolex. The Presidential bracelet with the Jubilee bezel and the Champagne face. Years later after I graduated college and he was well into his retirement, he added small diamonds to the faceplate at the hour marks.

This watch was something extraordinarily special to me. When my sister graduated college, my dad bought her a Rolex. It nearly matched except that the faceplate was a different color. When I graduated college, I felt pressure to also get a Rolex. But I had mixed feelings. First of all, I didn't necessarily think I deserved one. Secondly, I didn't want the same watch that both of them had. I wanted something different. So I got a Rolex that was anything but ordinary. So in that right, I feel great about it and I always have. It has a blue face. It has a smooth bezel. It has a non-traditional bracelet. It's entirely different that my dad's. And my sister's.

Last night, my mom gave me my Dad's Rolex. I have a lot of mixed feelings about it. Not the least of which is how classic and wonderful it looks. Even with the diamond hour marks he had added later on. Initially I said I would change the hour marks back to regular slashes. But this is the watch he created. Is this the watch I would have created? Certainly not. Certainly not right now. I am not accomplished. But he was. And this is the watch he created, so I will not change it. It reflects his choices. His successes. His desires. I will respect that. So what does that mean for me? I will wear it proudly for occassions that I could feasibly pull off wearing a watch with diamonds on it. And to be honest, they are relatively subtle. As subtle as diamonds on a watch can be. So, maybe I don't deserve to wear diamonds. Maybe I'm not accomplished enough to wear diamonds. But at least I deserve to wear the watch that my father viewed as the symbol of his success. The marker of his lifelong success. So I will wear it to pay tribute to him. And if anyone questions me for wearing such a flashy watch, I will explain that I wear it in honor of my Father, the man who put me in front of you.

Appreciate, Celebrate, Express (Yourself)

Appreciate = attention/presence, majesty
Celebrate = joy
Express yourself = being/authentic

Today I thought, huh, I could express that in convential Christian words of God The Father, God The Son, and God The Holy Spirit. God the Father grants us the world and everything in it to appreciate and awe in its presence. It's everything we need, it's everything we could ever need. Respect him through appreciation for what he's given us because he loves to create. He shared with us, his creation.

The Celebration, the joy component is appreciating with others. Community. Tangible bonds built on love. This was Jesus' commandment. Love everyone and with everyone rejoice all that God has given. All that is present and appreciable.

Express yourself is the spirit in you that is part and parcel a part of something else grander and more significant and entirely unifying.

"I spoke to my dad tonight, which was fantastic. He was clearly happy to hear from us and very excited to see us soon. He mentioned to Tiff about lots of people being there. I think something to me too. I laughed. He laughed. We had a good time. And as easy as this sounds: This is it. This is the meaning of life. (And may iterations.)"

Brainstormed in open space
Dreamt~visions for reality
Created platforms
The Creation of platforms

To LEAP in Open Space. A leap of faith

"Open Space"

******
I believe this was an attempt to rename Titanic Mistake.

Initial reaction: "Creepy"

"He had (editor: has?) lots of problems and didn't even know it."

"If you can't do anything [ ] it, what good is it?"

1. His/her wedding day
2. The day Rome defeated Whoever
3. The day the pyramids were completed
4. Some random day in the life of Michaelangelo

- Charles Darwin, The Expression of the Emotions in Man and Animals

Interestingly I also came across this article. This is interesting because my Dad has had a couple clots. I'm sure it has something more to do with his inactivity than anything but it's at least hypothesis generating.

Public release date: 25-Mar-2008
[ Print Article | E-mail Article | Close Window ]

Contact: Dr. Franziska Geiser
franziska.geiser@ukb.uni-bonn.de
49-228-287-16299
University of Bonn
Fear that freezes the blood in your veins
Bonn study shows that people with anxiety disorders tend to suffer from increased blood clotting

This release is available in German.

"The blood froze in my veins" or "My blood curdled" – these common figures of speech can be taken literally, according to the latest studies. Indeed, more literally than some of us would like. For it turns out that intense fear and panic attacks can really make our blood clot and increase the risk of thrombosis or heart attack.

Earlier studies showed that stress and anxiety can influence coagulation. However, they were based almost entirely on questionnaire surveys of healthy subjects. In contrast, the Bonn-based research team around Franziska Geiser (from the Clinic and Policlinic for Psychosomatic Medicine and Psychotherapy) and Ursula Harbrecht (from the Institute of Experimental Haematology and Transfusion Medicine) have been the first to conduct a very careful examination of coagulation in patients with anxiety disorders.

Everyone experiences anxiety from time to time – fear of failing the math's test, dread of going down into the dark cellar or, in a more general sense, trepidation about what the future holds. But some people are gripped by powerful fears when confronted by quite normal everyday situations. For example, sufferers of agoraphobia frequently have panic attacks when caught up in a crowd. The symptoms can be dramatic: palpitations, sweating, shaking, blind panic or fainting – even leading to death. Another anxiety disorder frequently encountered can be described as social phobia. Those affected fear above all situations in which they become the centre of attention in a group. They begin to stutter or turn red. In order not to avoid embarrassment, social phobia sufferers may become recluses, shying away from human contact and staying at home.

The medical researchers in Bonn compared patients who suffer from a severe form of panic disorder or a social phobia with a healthy control group. In order to rule out as far as possible the influence of factors like age and sex, each of the 31 patients with anxiety disorders was matched with a corresponding healthy patient of the same age and sex. The subjects first had to give blood samples and were asked to perform a number of tests on the computer. A second blood sample was then taken. The blood analysis, which measured various coagulation factors, produced a clear result: The group of anxiety patients showed a much more highly activated coagulation system than the healthy control group.

In the coagulation system two mechanisms operate that are indispensable to life and normally work in opposite directions, each counterbalancing the other. On the one hand, coagulation involves a thickening of the blood so that a plug can form and prevent excessive bleeding from damaged vessels. On the other hand, there is "fibrinolysis", a process that keeps the blood fluid and breaks down clots. In the case of the anxiety-disorder patients, however, the researchers observed through close analysis of the blood an activation of coagulation accompanied by an inhibition of fibrinolysis. Yet, apart from the prick for blood sampling, no real injury had occurred. For these types of patients, the coagulation system goes out of balance as the coagulation tendency rises – possibly with dangerous consequences. In extreme cases the imbalance can lead to blockage of a coronary artery.

The increased coagulation tendency could, says Franziska Geiser, be the "missing link" that explains why anxiety patients have a statistically higher risk of dying from heart disease by a factor of 3 or 4. "Of course, this doesn't mean that every patient with a marked anxiety disorder must now worry about having a heart attack. The coagulation values we measured were always within the physiological scale, which means there is no acute danger," adds the project leader. A real health threat only arises when other risk factors, like smoking and obesity, also come into the equation.

Franziska Geiser also has some good news for people with anxiety disorders. A follow-up study has produced the first evidence that coagulation activation subsides in patients who have completed successful therapy for their condition. In this respect, Dr. Geiser calls for earlier diagnosis of anxiety disorders, pointing out that too much time is wasted before effective psychotherapy is prescribed. "After all, we have programmes to help the population give up smoking or take more exercise. But if we want to reduce the number of heart disorders, it would make sense to improve the way anxiety disorders are diagnosed and treated."

The Freehouse would be part of the school community. Perhaps barracks on school property. The residents would have relative access, if not directly, then by proximity the spirit of youth. The residents could help serve at sporting events. Be part of the school day. Hallway monitors. Lunch room monitors. Classroom assistants. Kids who want extra credit or preferably being demonstrated that it's important to care for and think of the elderly. To understand part of the "peace process".

Find school districts with lots of space. Renovate old school buildings into new Livin n' Lovin residential communities and build NEW state of the art schools incorporated into that spirit of planned community for the children and elderly (specifically Alzheimer's here, maybe ever, maybe only at first).

Takeaway ideas for next time:
1. Bring a boombox and CDs.
2. Perform something for him.

Takeaway ideas for next time:
1. Bring a boombox and CDs.
2. Perform something for him.

You have opened my heart to living and loving life the way it ought to be. The days we shared together these past couple years have radically changed the composition of my heart, mind and soul and provided me the opportunity to love fully and deeply and experience an abundance of life reserved for those who reject fear and who by doing so live honestly according to their intrinsic being. However, the most important lesson I have learned from our experience together is that it requires extraordinary courage. Extraordinary selfless love. Extraordinary focus on all that is important. Which is the moment. Experiencing the moment in whatever spirit it calls for honestly and deeply with whomever is with you by your side.

I can only imagine the fear you feel. And believe me, I have struggled with it intensely. Not a day passes without thinking about the fear you must feel being in this place. All alone. Without anyone who loves you at your side. Helpless. I know this disease has completely changed the composition of your mind and your thoughts, but I cannot begin to understand what your thoughts are now. What your thoughts were yesterday? The chatter that runs through your mind. And then I hope that maybe there is no chatter. But unfortunately, I don’t believe that because I can see it in your face. And I hear it in your pleas for companionship.

Dad, there was a time when I was little that you told me to call you Buddy. You said you’d call me Buddy. We would be Buddies and call each other that name. I don’t know if you’ve ever heard the song “Cat’s in the Cradle” but it always makes me think of you. The theme of the song is essentially about a father and a son. The father is always busy and doesn’t have much time for his son. The son begs the father to spend time with him. The father says he can’t, but there will be a day soon for them to spend time together. Throughout the years, the day soon is a fleeting wish. As the son grows older, his father wants to spend time with him. In the father’s old age, he has come to recognize the importance of love and sharing moments with those he loves. But he realizes he never dedicated enough of his life to those who could love him like that. The older son now has grown up with his father as an example and tells his dad that there will be time soon to get together, but now he is too busy at the moment.

I know you love me. I know you’ve loved me my whole life. I know it more now than ever. And the important thing is that I forgive you for not spending more time with me, laughing and creating memories for us to cling to for the rest of our lives when I was younger. It hurt not to have a relationship then. But I always loved you. I was never going to give up on you. I want you to know that I love you so much. That I sincerely forgive you. That I would give anything to turn back time to grow our relationship that we hve right now into something magnificent if you were not afflicted with this debilitating memory disease. But I will not give up on you. I am here for you. For now. For tomorrow. For always. You have to trust me. You have to know that I love you. And through my love for you, there is peace. There is peace in knowing that you are loved. You are my angel and in return I am yours. God has found us. We may not like the circumstances but there is joy in our moments. I want you to know that this experience, as painful as it is. As terrible it is for you, it is the best thing that has ever happened in my life because it has opened my eyes to the goodness in you. The goodness in love and life. And the importance for not taking for granted the love in your life. To purposefully and intentionally grow love in your life. It takes understanding the people in your life fully and knowing what moves them. What moves them from a place of fear and into a place of love. This is the gift you’ve given Tiffany, I hope. I strive to be for her in each moment that which brings her the greatest joy of all. One day I imagine we will have children and I will pass on this gift to them as well. From their grandfather, Pop-Pop.

I will tell our story dad. I will make sure that our love is not forgotten. And I promise to help other people based on what you and I have learned together. Our story will go on in the memories of others so that in Heaven everybody will know your name, Johnny.

I love you. Thanks for being the greatest dad in the whole world!