The Live Eulogy: "Johnny Angel"
Dad-
You have opened my heart to living and loving life the way it ought to be. The days we shared together these past couple years have radically changed the composition of my heart, mind and soul and provided me the opportunity to love fully and deeply and experience an abundance of life reserved for those who reject fear and who by doing so live honestly according to their intrinsic being. However, the most important lesson I have learned from our experience together is that it requires extraordinary courage. Extraordinary selfless love. Extraordinary focus on all that is important. Which is the moment. Experiencing the moment in whatever spirit it calls for honestly and deeply with whomever is with you by your side.
I can only imagine the fear you feel. And believe me, I have struggled with it intensely. Not a day passes without thinking about the fear you must feel being in this place. All alone. Without anyone who loves you at your side. Helpless. I know this disease has completely changed the composition of your mind and your thoughts, but I cannot begin to understand what your thoughts are now. What your thoughts were yesterday? The chatter that runs through your mind. And then I hope that maybe there is no chatter. But unfortunately, I don’t believe that because I can see it in your face. And I hear it in your pleas for companionship.
Dad, there was a time when I was little that you told me to call you Buddy. You said you’d call me Buddy. We would be Buddies and call each other that name. I don’t know if you’ve ever heard the song “Cat’s in the Cradle” but it always makes me think of you. The theme of the song is essentially about a father and a son. The father is always busy and doesn’t have much time for his son. The son begs the father to spend time with him. The father says he can’t, but there will be a day soon for them to spend time together. Throughout the years, the day soon is a fleeting wish. As the son grows older, his father wants to spend time with him. In the father’s old age, he has come to recognize the importance of love and sharing moments with those he loves. But he realizes he never dedicated enough of his life to those who could love him like that. The older son now has grown up with his father as an example and tells his dad that there will be time soon to get together, but now he is too busy at the moment.
I know you love me. I know you’ve loved me my whole life. I know it more now than ever. And the important thing is that I forgive you for not spending more time with me, laughing and creating memories for us to cling to for the rest of our lives when I was younger. It hurt not to have a relationship then. But I always loved you. I was never going to give up on you. I want you to know that I love you so much. That I sincerely forgive you. That I would give anything to turn back time to grow our relationship that we hve right now into something magnificent if you were not afflicted with this debilitating memory disease. But I will not give up on you. I am here for you. For now. For tomorrow. For always. You have to trust me. You have to know that I love you. And through my love for you, there is peace. There is peace in knowing that you are loved. You are my angel and in return I am yours. God has found us. We may not like the circumstances but there is joy in our moments. I want you to know that this experience, as painful as it is. As terrible it is for you, it is the best thing that has ever happened in my life because it has opened my eyes to the goodness in you. The goodness in love and life. And the importance for not taking for granted the love in your life. To purposefully and intentionally grow love in your life. It takes understanding the people in your life fully and knowing what moves them. What moves them from a place of fear and into a place of love. This is the gift you’ve given Tiffany, I hope. I strive to be for her in each moment that which brings her the greatest joy of all. One day I imagine we will have children and I will pass on this gift to them as well. From their grandfather, Pop-Pop.
I will tell our story dad. I will make sure that our love is not forgotten. And I promise to help other people based on what you and I have learned together. Our story will go on in the memories of others so that in Heaven everybody will know your name, Johnny.
I love you. Thanks for being the greatest dad in the whole world!