arch-bi'sho(pp)ing

Kelly owns/runs/moderates several forums online, ranging in subject from digital calligraphy to trading orange juice concentrate. These allow monkey to mythologize, speculate, intuit and otherwise influence in a decisively non-rational way the interactions and thoughts of others who subscribe to these forums.

Kelly authors several blogs under various pseudonyms. Kelly uses these blogs to challenge blog convention (such as time, subject, content, display, resolution, etc.) to disallow the reader to take for granted the convenience of the medium.

Kelly studies etymology and regularly substitutes historical root terms for the accepted, modern word form, sometimes using hybridized root terms to create new language where the current roster of words in circulation seems claustrophobically limiting. This, of course, self-consciously presupposes that at some point future readers of Kelly's musings may adapt these new words with enough regularity that they may morph into more refined versions of themselves and become inserted into some dictionary.

Kelly is obsessed with not being obsessive. Kelly regularly does nothing regularly. Kelly cannot sleep in the same place two nights in a row (with the exception being monkey has exhausted monkey to the point that monkey falls asleep where monkey is). Kelly will sleep anywhere, at any time, even or especially if it inconveniences someone else. Kelly is like a cat in this way, except for yesterday when monkey was a zebra, or tomorrow when monkey is spaghetti and ballsmeat.

Kelly fashions a tool belt filled primarily with smashing instruments and bonding agents. These allow Kelly the option of reconfiguring anything at any time, including the tool belt, the smashing instruments and the bonding agents.

Kelly received professional training as a stunt monkey, not to work in moving pictures but mainly because monkey enjoys a good adrenaline rush at the expense of the emotional and psychological well-being of passersby.

Kelly loves nature. Unfortunately for the trees and napping squirrels, Kelly also loves chainsaws.

Kelly's preferred mode of transportation is mass transit. Kelly uses this private time to put on monkey make-up, or make banana calls to monkey subconscious desires.

Kelly almost always first offers a barter of dance/performance (of appropriate length) for goods or services. In opposition to Kelly's better judgments, Kelly continues to offer this as fair trade despite once being hospitalized after paying off an impulsive llama purchase.

Kelly prefers to eat with monkey hands, but if necessary, will smash food to a pulp and consume with monkey sp-ork.

Kelly carries large bags of foreign currency coinage in small denominations. Kelly will often spell out invented words in brail with the coins on public sidewalks and/or public bathroom floors. This also gives Kelly the opportunity to impulsively hop on a plane to another country and pay for goods and services if monkey dancing proves to be unprofitable.

If Kelly must answer the phone, monkey always greets with the name and slogan for the most recent company that allowed Kelly to dance for goods or services. If none yet exists or it has been some arbitrary length of time since Kelly was able to barter in monkey preferred fashion, Kelly greets with an offer to dance for the person on the other end of the line if that person agrees to hang up without saying a word.

When walking down a hallway or along a sidewalk, Kelly will switch sides to ensure that monkey doesn’t regularly pass on the same side. To the relief of local law enforcement officials and the larger motor-vehicle-operating population, Kelly rarely does this anymore with monkey unicycle.

If challenged to a dare, Kelly will surely decline but will have the phrasing of that dare inconspicuously tattooed on monkey back.

Kelly enjoys dressing in one-piece suits. Monkey suit-of-choice is either a wet suit or a Kevlar-reinforced motorcycle suit. They are always modified to avoid equal-length appendage concealment.

If Kelly must use a readymade pattern, it is camouflage, or at least non-regular. Monkey strangest piece is a camouflage life vest, which comes in handy when the impulse to jump off a bridge strikes.

Kelly is a ferocious lover. Monkey will not engage in sex unless there are equal parts pain and pleasure. The tool belt is especially convenient for accomplishing this.

Kelly baths in natural bodies of water regularly. Monkey prefers if they are somewhat conspicuous locations so that lucky individuals may experience monkey body art.

Kelly is not artistic per se, but does have several creative pets. Anything that they produce is hung from the ceiling or re-configured into sculpture. If Kelly finds one of monkey pets’ pieces particularly disturbing, Kelly will eat it.

Kelly is a healthy individual. Monkey tracks monkey health via photographing every bowel movement and cataloguing it. This allows monkey to observe variations in color, consistency, diameter, length and buoyancy and also make beautiful wall coverings. The best ones are sent out in December as presents for all of those who celebrate Mass-Christ or somewhat.

Kelly prefers to write or sketch in odoriferous locations, pungent landfills are best. If Kelly is at home writing on the walls, floors or ceiling, monkey will create a pungent stench to stay lucid. If the desire to inscribe hits and flavorful air is not an option, monkey will use cat tranquilizer to stay lucid.

Kelly is athletic and participates in multiple marathons each year. Monkey preferred style is to sprint as fast as possible until arriving upon a location where music can be heard. Kelly will then break-dance for the spectators as other participants run past.

Kelly studies alternative forms of communication. Smoke signals, signing, ESP and Morse code allow monkey to engage in conversations that would otherwise be impossible.

Kelly serves monkey community by volunteering at the local prison. There, monkey motivates the prisoners to vanquish their pained thoughts via artistic expression. Kelly will offer to purchase the most honest works (with dance, if possible) to elevate the prisoners’ sense of self-worth and value as creative individuals. Kelly also sometimes has violent sex with them.